Part 4: Fundamentals of a Healthy Christian Marriage
10 Habits of Healthy Communication

Speak to your spouse with love, kindness, and self-control.

“Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.” Colossians 4:6

Healthy communication is absolutely foundational to every strong marriage. If you cannot communicate with your spouse in a healthy way, frustrations turn into anger and conflict is created instead of resolved. Communication is partly verbal and partly non-verbal. As a husband or wife, what your words say need to match with the non-verbal expression on your face and actions of your life. As Christians we are commanded to be gracious in our speech. This carries over from the fruits of the Holy Spirit of kindness and gentleness. When our communication leans toward harshness and anger something is wrong. 

Below are ten basic practical steps to maintaining healthy and gracious communication in your marriage:

1. Respect your spouse and treat him/her with kindness: You speak in a careful and self-controlled way to people that you respect. You speak with kindness toward people that you love. You should both respect and love your spouse, resulting in the type of communication listed below.
2. Really listen: When you really listen to someone you pay attention and want to hear what they have to say. Really listening considers the merit of what the other person has to say. This means not interrupting the other person because what you have to say is more important. This means you are not formulating a counter-response while he/she is talking. You can’t listen and jump to a conclusion before the other person has finished their thought. Listening is related to patience and friendship. Interruption and retaliation are related to competition and adversaries.
3. Assume the best: Many occasions arise each week where something happens, and we only know part of the story. In every such situation with your spouse you must assume the best. You must begin by trusting your spouse and assuming that there is a good explanation for whatever you don’t know about the situation. Love is hopeful in all things (1 Cor 13:7). The opposite is to assume the worst of your spouse. This is the attitude of distrust we develop with our enemies.
4. Don’t bring up past forgiven sins: If your spouse has asked for forgiveness and you have granted forgiveness, it should not be brought up against him/her again. You must ask God for the self-control to not drag your spouse back into the mud he/she just got free of. In an ungodly way, it can feel satisfying to strengthen your position by undercutting your spouse, but none of this is of Christ. We seek to reconcile with our spouse, not defeat him/her in a battle of words and accusations.
5. Don’t undercut or barb: To undercut or barb is to make negative and hurtful comments that imply what you want without clear communication. These side comments are not made to be helpful, but to insult and “remind” a person of their problems. Instead, if you have a struggle or grievance with your spouse, speak and listen in a kind way that may lead to reconciliation and peace. 
6. Do not raise your voice: “The anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God” James 1:20. When you raise your voice with your spouse, anger has come upon you. Yelling at your spouse may make you feel self-vindicated in the moment, but nothing of the Lord will come from it. You should never yell at your spouse. Raising your voice overwhelms anything true or helpful you may say. It’s literally lost in the noise. 
7. Try to have good timing: Work to bring up difficult subjects at a time conducive to resolution. It’s not wise to bring up difficult subjects when your spouse is tired, holding a crying child, just in the door from work, late for an appointment, or for whatever reason is not in a place to have an unhurried conversation that could resolve an issue. 
8. Avoid “always / never” in conflict resolution: Overstatements and absolutes do not help resolve conflict. Overstatements and absolutes work to categorize the entire person as a problem. Instead, work to isolate specific instances of struggle or sin, so the offending person can ask forgiveness and work to correct a specific problem. 
9. Stop texting when the communication turns negative: It is impossible to resolve conflict by text. When communication turns negative, you must talk by phone or in person as soon as possible. Both spouses need to reach agreement on this before the angry texts start flying. One spouse or the other must identify that the communication has taken a negative turn, and state that they need to call or meet.
10. Seek resolution: Never give up on each other. Seek resolution and reconciliation because of love and your marriage vows. Apathy and division are not acceptable in Christian marriage. Work the problems out with healthy communication and prayer.

 
May the Holy Spirit bear in us His fruit of love and kindness toward each other,
Pastor Vic

Gossip
 
“And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a debased mind to do what ought not to be done. They were filled with all manner of unrighteousness, evil, covetousness, malice. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, maliciousness. They are gossips, slanderers …” Romans 1:28-29
 
“For lack of wood the fire goes out, and where there is no whisperer, quarreling ceases.” Proverbs 26:20
 
“The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him.”
Proverbs 18:17
 

Gossip has been a common problem in every age, but the Bible classifies it as sin. In Romans 1 Paul traces out the descent of human beings into rebellion against God. As sinful people reject God, they are given over “to what ought not to be done.” Included in that long list is gossip.
             
Gossip is usually defined as unrestrained conversation about other people, typically involving unconfirmed statements presented as true, and the conversation is spoken in negative terms. Let’s break this down. Gossip begins with unconstrained conversation about other people. When our conversation begins to discuss people we know, but who are not present for the conversation (face to face or digital), our speech should be careful and limited. When others come up in our conversation we should strive to only speak well of them unless there is a good and truly necessary reason to speak against them. To speak against another person in conversation, when that person is not present to speak for themselves, should be a rare occurrence and for a necessary honorable reason.

Gossipers relish speaking badly of others when they are not present. Gossipers find great pleasure in tearing down the character of others by whispering side conversations and in private on-line spaces. Gossipers are not working to build up others but attempt to increase their own social standing by tearing down others and planting destructive narratives in the hearts of those who will listen. Gossip is a serious problem because it is meant to divide by intentionally maligning the character of others who are not present to speak for themselves. Gossipers are not interested in the truth or in resolving problems.

Gossipers work to create their own narrative that pits people against each other in strategic ways so they can get what they want. This process is accelerated and exacerbated by social media in our day. In days past, to speak poorly of another person by unconfirmed rumor, one literally had to whisper in the hall or corner. People would whisper so they undercut their enemy while not exposing their gossip to other people possibly speaking against the lie they may be telling. Today, private social media messages can be instantly sent to an entire social network of people to malign a person’s character, without ever seeking the full story from the person being spoken about and giving them a chance for rebuttal. Gossip that is repeated becomes truth to those without discernment or Godly character.

We all know people like this and the interpersonal damage and hurt they can cause. Gossipers are present in every social area of our lives, but as Christians we should not participate in gossip. Instead, we should use our words to move in the opposite direction.

How should Christians speak to each other? If we should have no part in gossip, what should we be saying? Christians should above all things love each other. Love seeks the truth in order to help and build up others. We must not speak poorly of them, tear them down, or repeat character defaming tales. This begins by desiring the good of those in your family, church, school, and workplace. Christians are working to bless those around them, not to use others for their own personal advancement. Christians should stay in their own lanes of personal activity. If a matter does not relate to you, you should not embroil yourself in it. Christians should work to hear the other side of a story in matters that do involve them. We should be wise enough to realize that there are two sides to every story. When we don’t understand a situation, we should ask genuine questions instead of drawing gossip-based conclusions. Christians encourage, turn away from sin, and do not say things that would not be justified to say if the person spoken of were physically present.
             
In Matthew 5:43-47 we are commanded by Jesus to do something unimaginable to the lost world, “love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” This can be applied in many ways, but it certainly relates to being on the receiving end of gossip or slander. As Christians, we must recognize that people gossiped about Jesus constantly. Our response must be like that of Jesus! We must return blessing for cursing. We must love those who hate us. We must even pray for them! In a truly hurtful situation, this can only be done by the grace of God. Only the merciful Savior, Jesus, can strengthen us to pray for those who speak maliciously against us! By acting in this way, we become peacemakers and break the cycle of vengeance. We create an opportunity to speak about the gospel and the merciful love of Jesus.
             
I urge us as a church to be careful and diligent in these matters. May Redeemer be a place completely different from this world. May gossip have no place here. May the Lord teach us by His Spirit to be full of self-control, love, and encouragement. May out words bless and build up, strengthen and give hope.
 
Lord Jesus, help us to guard our mouths for your glory,
Pastor Vic

The Cross of Jesus Christ
             

We are now approximately 2000 years removed from the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. Today is the day Christians worldwide set aside to remember that blessed event. Does the crucifixion of Jesus matter anymore? Does something that happened so long ago still have any direct relevance to our lives? As Christians, should we stop our daily routine to pause in thoughtful meditation to consider the cross of Jesus Christ. The answer to all these questions is – absolutely yes!
 
The death and resurrection of Jesus from the dead is the single most important event in the history of the world. It was the essential event necessary for the redemption and salvation of fallen humanity. This rebellious and sin-ruined world strove for thousands of generations to undo the effects of sin and separation from God, but to no avail. The history of this world is one of cyclical struggle, wars, disease, and death. There has been advancement in technology, but no advancement whatsoever in the essential struggles of the soul. We still live in a fallen world of intense uncertain struggle, selfishness, disease, addiction, violence, war, anxiety, depression, and death.
             
The purpose of God to save people out of this fallen world could only be accomplished by Jesus the Son. In His perfection and innocence, Jesus went to the cross as our sin-bearer. Jesus was our atoning sacrifice. He bore the just penalty of our sins in His own body, that we might receive His righteousness. By His eternal power, Jesus overcame the final enemy – death. On the third day after His crucifixion, Jesus rose from the dead, never to die again. Only by His life can we receive spiritual life. This life begins now and extends into eternity.
 
No person can overcome death by their own power. People have been working to reverse the curse of sin and death since the dawn of humanity, but they will never succeed. Only by the resurrected life of Jesus will you be born again unto spiritual life that will have no end. Only by the resurrected life of Jesus, received by faith as a gift, will you pass out of this world and enter into the Kingdom of God.
             
The cross of Jesus Christ was not about making heaven on earth, but about saving lost sinners out of this dying world. This is exactly what the biblical term “being saved” means. It means that by grace alone, through faith alone, through the finished work of Jesus on the cross, we might escape the wrath of God toward sin. By the cross our debt of sin is paid. By the cross we can have peace with God, forever escaping the death and corruption of this world.
             
I put before you a few important Bible verses about the cross of Jesus Christ. Consider these verses today. Consider the love of Jesus Christ toward you and rejoice in the price that has been paid that you might live forever!

 
“And being found in human form, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.”  Philippians 2:8

Jesus was fully obedient to the will of God in all things. In the Garden of Gethsemane Jesus struggled deeply with the reality of submitting Himself to the hands of sinful men. But in agony Jesus prayed, “Not my will but yours be done!” In humility, Jesus submitted Himself, as the Lamb of God, to be crucified by sinful men. God did not kill Jesus but permitted that it be done by Satan and those under His influence. The crucifixion of Jesus was the greatest evil act of all time, but from it God brought the greatest good ever achieved. The enemies of Jesus were confident they had defeated Him, but the purposes of God shall not be thwarted!

 
“And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with Him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This He set aside, nailing it to the cross.”  Colossians 2:13-14
 

Our sin against God is not a matter of simple emotional offense. Our sin against God is rebellion against His law. Our wickedness transgresses His holiness and requires that we be removed from His presence. It is real guilt that breaks our relationship with God. It is real guilt that must be punished in judgment. We can only be declared ‘not guilty’ (justified) when the penalty of our rebellion has been paid. Jesus settled this debt and paid the price in His own body on the cross.

             
The apostle Paul: “For Christ did not send me to baptize but to preach the gospel, and not with words of eloquent wisdom, lest the cross of Christ be emptied of its power. For the word of the cross is folly to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.” 1 Corinthians 1:17-18
 

Paul here speaks to the real power of the cross. Paul’s gospel preaching was not rooted or based upon cleaver public speaking. The gospel is not an idea; it’s a reality! Jesus really lived as the incarnate Son of God upon the earth. Jesus really preached and ministered, full of grace and truth. The cross was real. The suffering and bleeding death of Jesus was real. Jesus really did suffer for our sins. But, then and now, most people do not believe that Jesus was who He said He was – the Son of God. The ministry of Jesus is mocked by most people, but to those of us who believe it is the power of God unto salvation!

 
“Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.”  Hebrews 12:1b-2
 

Jesus endured the suffering of the cross knowing it was not the end, but a means to an end. The end of the cross is the salvation of God’s people! Jesus endured the cross for the joy of heavenly glory. Jesus Christ is glorified in the salvation of sinners. He is glorified in His mercy, grace, humility, holiness, and power!
 
May we enter into the joy of the salvation of Jesus! May the Lord quiet our doubting souls and give us the faith to believe this resurrection Sunday,
Pastor Vic

Nearness to God
 
“I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.” John 15:5
 

The most meaningful part of life revolves around personal relationships. Every Christian reaches a new plateau in their Christianity when they discover the reality that their forgiveness of sins before God leads to a personal relationship with God. New spiritual life (regeneration), being declared not guilty before God (justification), and being welcomed into the Kingdom of God as a son or daughter (adoption by God) all point to the real open door of a personal relationship with God. The essential key to entering a deeper personal relationship with God, after initial repentance and faith, relates to daily devotions.
             
There is no substitute for daily devotions. Those who are dearest to us, those we care about the most, we try to have meaningful conversations with them as often as possible. We long to speak with them and hear also about their lives and struggles. We rearrange and reprioritize our lives to create intentional times of meaningful conversation, memories through shared joyful experiences, and encouragement through times of difficulty. Daily devotions are a prioritizing of the Christian’s personal relationship with God above all other relationships. Rearranging and prioritizing the hours of each day to create meaningful time alone with God is essential to building nearness to God over time. Let’s consider the fundamentals.
             
The essential elements of a personal relationship are meaningful speech and active listening. Meaningful speech has to do with saying something to another person that has substance and touches on who you really are. This type of communication goes beyond surface level niceties and plastic smiles. Active listening relates to truly wanting to understand what the other person is saying so that you can truly know them. God has spoken to us! God has been revealing Himself and His will to humanity since the dawn of time. We live in a privileged period, late in the history of the world, that the words and actions of God have been recorded and preserved in the Bible. The Word of God is not a static writing, but a living word by which the Holy Spirit of God speaks to our hearts (Hebrews 4:12). The first essential part of daily devotions is actively reading some portion of the Bible desiring to hear from God. This Bible reading must be prayerful. It’s not one-way communication. As we encounter God in the Bible, we are taught, convicted, encouraged, and reminded. We must respond to God in prayer. We take time to open our heart genuinely to God in worship, thanks, and pouring out our needs and struggles.
             
This daily interaction will become deeper and more meaningful over time. This is the case with every healthy habit in our lives. When we make time for daily meaningful conversations with our spouse, it may begin as something we know we should do, but soon becomes something we want to do. Daily exercise starts as things we know we should do, but when we enter the benefits of healthy living, it becomes something we want to do. It’s ok to begin daily devotions with the notion that it’s something you should do, but with an earnest heart it will soon become something you want to do. It will later become a discipline you cannot live without, “Man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD” (Deuteronomy 8:3 / Matthew 4:4 / Luke 4:4).
             
If you have never had a consistent devotional life, or have fallen off in this area over a period of busyness and distraction, do not lose heart. As distracted and sinful people we all ebb and flow in personal discipline. Over the years the priorities of our life sift out to truly understand what is essential. Prioritization, combined with the spiritual growth of self-control, will allow you to eventually order your life in a healthy and life-giving way. Your devotional spiritual life must come first. You must move beyond knowing things about God to knowing God personally – and this will only come through enduring and meaningful personal devotions. You must grow comfortable being alone before God, with an open heart. All people are able to come before God in this way.
             
The long endurance of personal devotion over years and decades is the foundation of every earnest Christian’s life. This endurance leads us to read God’s word at length and pray for countless hours over time. When we draw near to God, He will draw near to us (James 4:8). The longer you endure in seeking God, the more treasured these times will become. You will long for God’s voice before all others. You will find yourself in the pattern of all devout Christians through the ages – wanting God to have the first word and the last word of each day – morning and evening, nearer my Lord to thee! The word of the Lord flowing over your soul each day will become like the flow of water over rocks in a mighty river. Over the years, all the rough edges of your soul will be worn smooth until what is left is the patience, kindness, gentleness, and the joy of the Lord.

Nearness to God will affect all your other personal relationships for good. As you abide with Christ, your personal nearness to God will overflow to bless your spouse, children, personal friends, and co-workers. Daily devotions will refine your character and strengthen your obedience to God. You will go on to more directed study about God – some to much greater focused study – but no Christian will ever outgrow daily devotional interaction with God. In this busy and distracted world, may we turn away from the sins, which so easily entangle, and turn our hearts toward the Lord.
 
Let us strive together to know the Lord personally,
Pastor Vic