Fundamentals of Healthy Christian Marriage: Service
 

In humility consider the interests of your spouse first.

“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” —Philippians 2:3-4

Last month, I wrote to you about love as the first fundamental of a healthy Christian marriage. The second fundamental is service. Paul commands that we follow in the example of Christ by serving. This attitude of service should characterize our lives toward all people, but especially toward our spouse. Sadly familiarity does often breed contempt, but the first person we should serve should be that person we love the most – our spouse. 

“Do nothing from selfishness…” The “nothing” part of this verse should be sobering and jump out to us. There is no room for selfishness in Christian marriage. There is no “me” time. There is no, “I deserve this and am going to do this / buy this / go here no matter what my spouse thinks or needs.” The Christian life in general, and Christian marriage in particular, is about dying to your selfishness. There is no more me, there is only us. Two have become one in marriage. Because of the redeeming work of Jesus, each spouse is laboring to out-serve the other. Nothing is done from selfishness that would harm, offend, or take from the other spouse. Does selfishness characterize your marriage? Do you act in ways that are all about you, and leave your spouse to pick up the pieces?

“Do nothing from … conceit …” In the union of Christian marriage neither spouse should act in a way that is proud or conceited. Vanity exalts the individual. Pride is self-focused. Nothing in Christian marriage should be related to individual vanity because the pride of one spouse is always at the expense of the other. One is raised up and the other left behind. It appears to the watching world that the one spouse accomplished what they did all by themselves, when any married couple knows that the accomplishments come as a team. The married couple is ‘yoked’ together. They pull together to accomplish the work of the day and meet the needs of life. For one spouse to take the credit of work done by both is an act of pride and leads to resentment and division. Has pride entered into your marriage where you no longer openly praise and appreciate your spouses’ contributions to the family? If so, then pride has corrupted your heart.

“In humility count others more significant than yourselves…” As an everyday fundamental of Christian marriage we count our spouse as more significant than ourselves. Wow! Really? Yes. The servant heart comes from actively putting yourself in the second place. Your spouse gets the first place – everyday. Humble servant-hearted love looks for ways to meet the needs of their spouse through service. The mind of the loving spouse keeps drifting back to, “What can I do for you?” not “What can you do for me?” These are unconditional acts of loving service, not transactional. Christian love is NOT, “I’ll do this for you, if you do this for me.” Christian service walks in the way of Jesus, “I’ll do this for you, even if you do nothing for me in return.” Then it goes even further, “I’ll serve you in this way because I love you, even if you return this act of humble service with anger and ungratefulness.” This is the Christ-like service of Christian marriage.

To accomplish this you must observe your spouse. It’s still selfishness to do something for your spouse you wanted to do for them. You enter into service when you do for them something they want you to do for them. This shows you are listening and observant. Be a student of your spouse. See their needs and hear their desires, then work with a heart of love to count them more significant than yourself with the limited resources of each day. 

You may be thinking that this is an impossibly high standard, and you would be right! The world fails at each of the fundamentals of marriage because they do not have the abiding work of the Holy Spirit to work out the sanctification necessary to make progress in marriage. Without the work of the Holy Spirit, we will be selfish people, and selfishness kills marriage. The number one phrase I hear in marriage counseling of troubled marriages headed toward divorce is, “This person doesn’t meet my needs.” This is fundamentally a selfish statement. Couples that are devoted to serving each other and counting the needs of the other as more important than their own, don’t make statements like this. 

Christian marriage can thrive because each spouse goes to Jesus – the fount of living water that will never run dry – to meet the needs of their soul. From being with Jesus, the soul is full and able then to pour into others by acts of service. When we run dry, we go back and abide near Jesus to be strengthened for another day. When you go to your spouse for what only Jesus can provide the equation will not work out. 

For more on the mandate of service from Jesus read and consider the account of Jesus washing the disciple’s feet in John 13. Ask yourself, “Does the heart of Jesus in this passage describe how I treat my spouse?” If not, realize that you are not above Jesus. Return to the fundamentals of service and demonstrate to your spouse a Christ-like heart.

Holy Spirit give us a servant’s heart toward those most dear to us,
Pastor Vic

Response to Alistair Begg

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.”
Matthew 19:5-6

I have been monitoring a situation developing with Pastor Alistair Begg for some time. I have waited to write to you, hoping that the situation would change, but it has not. I must begin by stating that I have admired the preaching and writing of Pastor Begg my whole adult life. I listen to his sermons weekly, recommend his books, and have always hoped to visit Parkside Church to hear him in person – but when those we love depart from the truth we must correct them. I say this with sadness.

The situation that has developed has shocked the biblical Christian church. In a publicly recorded setting Pastor Begg was asked by a grandmother whether she should attend the transgender wedding of her grandchild. In a situation like this it is important to get the wording exactly right. The link below lists the transcript of the occasion at length and includes excellent commentary by Owen Strachan – transcript. Pastor Begg is known to clearly uphold a biblical sexual ethic that only allows for sexual expression inside a biological male and female marriage. He asks the grandmother if she has expressed this to the grandchild. The grandmother says that she has. With that said, Pastor Begg recommends that she attend the wedding and bring a gift, to fully participate in the occasion. The grandmother, and biblical Christians everywhere, are right to be shocked and saddened by this response.

In our lifetime, Christians will continually be buffeted by questions and pressure to compromise and eventually give up on a biblical sexual ethic. Sexual ethics is perhaps the most important theological struggle of our lifetime. God cares about how we conduct ourselves sexually. God’s moral boundaries, purpose, and design for human sexuality begins with the formation of marriage before sin entered the world. The sacred nature of God’s design in marriage is essential to human cultural flourishing and the blessing of God upon His church. The degree to which human beings’ rebel against God’s moral purposes in sexuality and marriage, directly correlates to decline, decadence, and cultural failing. The decadence and moral decline of western culture today is more related to sexual moral rebellion than any other single factor. If we love God, we will obey His will – this includes in the arena of sexuality. The ways of God are right, and they are also good.

To counter the counsel of Pastor Begg we must first look squarely at what homosexual and transgender marriage really are. A homosexual wedding is the celebration and joining of two people of the same sex in an enduring sexual relationship that God forbids and declares is an abomination (Romans 1:26-27, 1 Timothy 1:10, 2 Peter 2:9-10, Jude 7). A transgender wedding is a more perverse version of a homosexual wedding. A transgender wedding is the celebration and joining of two people of the same sex, but where one person through hormones and/or cosmetic surgery have altered their person and genitals to appear as much as possible to be of the opposite sex. The two of them marry as husband and wife, but are not such in any real sense. The grandmother referenced above feels the pressure of the non-Christian world and, presumably of her family, to attend such a wedding, but her conscience tells her this is a perversion.  She is right in her heart that she should not attend such an occasion.

What is a wedding? A wedding is to be a sacred and joyful occasion, but also a solemn time marked by vows and promises. These vows (being formally joined to another person by ceremony) are a symbolic picture of how Jesus relates to the church (Ephesians 5:22-33), and are also recognized by the state. Without the binding of the state, the endless joining and breaking of relationships and families would create societal chaos. Marriage affects the raising of children, holding real estate, bank accounts, insurance payouts, etc. As marriage declines and the Christian definition is further obscured, this chaos is more palpable every year. Our age believes that we are making progress in evolution by “expanding” the definition of marriage, but this is not the case. Marriage is not a product of societal agreement (able to shift and expand based on cultural shift and popular demand) but designed by God. Christians believe that God created the world with design and that human flourishing is in large part defined by how we relate to one-another within that design. One biological man / one biological woman marriage cannot be rooted out of humanity by the rejection of Christianity – whatever form that may come in.

Marriage is a common grace meaning that any one man or woman can enter this union and be blessed by doing so. The marriage of non-Christians will never be all that it could be in Christ, but it can make progress. Everyday married people come to salvation and their marriage relationship will improve through spiritual growth. However, a homosexual / transgender marriage cannot be redeemed. If either partner comes to salvation – as I pray they do – they will soon come to the realization that their marriage situation is unreconcilable with God’s will in sexual ethics. The individuals can be redeemed, but the union cannot. As Christians we are participating in a lie to celebrate and affirm a wedding that is counter to God’s definition of marriage. We cannot declare as good what God has declared sinful. There is no way to attend a homosexual / transgender wedding without it being construed as an act of affirmation. Once affirmed, there is no meaningful ways to reverse one’s position toward the couple or within the family / friend circle. We cannot follow the advice of Pastor Begg.

My response to this dear grandmother would be as follows: You cannot attend the wedding. However, turning down the invitation will be a defining moment in your relationship with the person who invited you. You should clearly associate your inability to attend with your Christianity. If you are daily living as a faithful Christian, this should not come as a surprise to the couple that invited you. It is never a surprise when people act according to their dearly held convictions. We would never think of inviting a practicing kosher Jew over for a pork bar-b-que. We would never invite a vegan over for steak and eggs. We would never ask a Sikh man to remove his head covering for the national anthem. Why, because each of these things would be deeply offensive. Out of respect for that person’s sincerely held beliefs, we do not intentionally ask them to violate their beliefs. We certainly don’t heckle them or overtly shame them. However, this is not the case with biblical Christians in America today. Christians are entitled to the free practice of their religion. We should not be ashamed to state that we have a sexual ethic that is at odds with others around us.

Because we morally disagree with someone, and as such, will not attend their wedding, does not mean that we hate them or are afraid of them (phobia). It means that we morally disagree with them. For our part, we should continue to reach out with gospel love and seek to maintain meaningful relationship where possible. Just because we cannot in good conscience attend a homosexual / transgender wedding does not mean that we cannot speak to that person respectfully, share the gospel with them, and invite them into the sphere of the local church. Attending the wedding is an act of affirmation. Engaging them with kindness is related to seeing them turn from their morally sinful ways and find salvation in Jesus Christ.

Pastor Begg believes that going to the wedding would be an unmistakable act of love that would help move the person (couple) toward salvation. I disagree. There are two clear steps to salvation in Jesus: repentance and faith. Affirmation and faith are not the same thing, and do not have the same result. Stating that you disagree with something but then going along with it anyway, sends a mixed and confusing message. We must be clear in holding the line of sexual ethics and marriage. It’s not a grey line. It’s a line that is under assault. Love alone will not work to achieve repentance and change. There must also be clear truth.

By disagreeing with Pastor Begg are conservative Christians “cancelling” him? I hope not. Pastor Begg is otherwise a devout and faithful Christian, I just disagree with him on whether we should attend homosexual / transgender weddings. However, this one point of disagreement is a significant point. To me it’s a significant crack in the foundation of Pastor Begg’s work. Like any foundation crack, you should regularly monitor it. If the crack grows larger, the foundation damage will begin to appear inside the house. At that point, the crack must be repaired, or the integrity of the entire house will come into question. I pray earnestly this is not the direction of Pastor Begg.

May the Lord give us wisdom, courage, and His love to live as Christians in our time,
Pastor Vic